The WHOLE Truth
“Two things can be true at the same time,” she said with conviction.
On occasion, my wife and I like to spar (playfully I might add) during conversations. I don’t recall the specifics of what we were talking about when she made the above claim, but I vividly remember my initial thought - what nonsense is this? How can two conflicting ideas possibly be true simultaneously?
I tend to think linearly and thus my initial interpretation of new ideas is often painfully literal, but after I let it marinate, what at first felt like a cheap, last ditch effort at a rebuttal really began to to make sense. In fact, the notion of two opposing realities being true at the same time has begun to resonate deeply.
Dialetheism
Without question, the most meaningful decision I have ever made and will ever make was to become a dad. I have been blessed - a word I almost never use because it implies sacredness - with 3 wonderful children: two step (L 20yrs and F 14yrs) and one biological (O 8yrs).
Nearly 4 years before my biological daughter was born, I stepped into the role of step-dad, which has been a profound experience. Children are hardwired to love their parents, but in many cases the opposite could be said for steps (thanks a lot, Disney). Even under the most ideal of circumstances, step-parents must earn the approval, trust, and ultimately the love of their step-kids. My daughter, O, has adored me from the day she was born; her love is inherently mine to lose, yet daily I recognize my responsibility to work for the love and trust of L and F, who were 8yrs and 2yrs respectively when I met them. At the end of the day, my relationships with all three of my kids are wildly unique and thus exceptionally rewarding in their own special ways.
Dialetheism, which comes from the Greek di, meaning ‘twice’, and alḗtheia, meaning ‘truth’, is a worldview that perfectly encapsulates the idea that two things can be true at the same time. It is a non-dualistic way of perceiving the world that presumes conflicting experiences can co-exist, side-by-side, and be at peace holding the tension between the two. Binary thinking cannot reconcile this dualism. Necessarily, Dialetheism is an exercise in cognitive dissonance, so those who see the world through a lens of absolutes and embrace black and white / right and wrong thinking will fail to wrap their arms around the messy complexity of its soft contours and will, instead, retreat to the safety and comforts of the hard edges of reason.
Nothing has concretized the concept of Dialetheism - that two things can be true at the same time - more than being a caregiver for the 3 human lives for which I’m responsible. I’ve never simultaneously experienced more profound happiness nor debilitating pain than at the hands of my children.
More Hugs, Please
My daughter, O, is confident, emotional, and whip-smart. A dash of sweet mixed with a whole lot of spicy, O is always surprising me. She’s perfectly imperfect.
Not long ago, she walked into the kitchen while I was cleaning the countertops.
O: “Daddy?” said in a sweet voice, clearly with ulterior motives…probably angling for candy
Me: “Baby?” said with earnestness
O: “Baby? I’m not a baby! Why did you call me that?” spoken with 15% genuine confusion and 85% annoyance. See above, “a whole lot of spicy”
Me: “I know that, O. But you’re my baby. No matter how old you are, you’ll always be my baby.” spoken with conviction as well as hints of longing and desperation
When O sees me at school, she still yells “daddy!” and with sheer joy on her face runs up to give me a hug. I can physiologically feel her love for me, and there is no better feeling - it’s unfiltered, palpable adoration, and it’s beautiful. And yet part of me that weeps in these moments because I know these days are numbered; honestly, I’m on borrowed time as it is. Sooner or later - almost certainly sooner - the day will come when she won’t respond this way, and knowing this as she wraps her arms around my waist and squeezes is excruciating.
She’ll always be my baby, even when she’s not.
Parents: express affection for your kids across as many mediums (verbal, touch, time, etc.) as you can as often as you can.
Kids: outwardly show affection to your parents longer than you’re naturally comfortable doing so.
More hugs, please.
Voodoo & Softball
I made a promise to myself and to my family almost 10 years ago. I promised that when the girls were old enough to play their own sports at Heritage Hall… I would dedicate all my time to them. That day has come. - Jordan Semore
The amount of selflessness required to raise a child, let alone several children, is staggering. It simply cannot be quantified. It’s as if parents end up giving pieces of themselves to their children, who seem to have an intrinsic understanding of the Voodoo art-form (or at least the caricature of it that pop-culture has created) and know exactly where and when to poke, prod, and stick those pieces to evoke a corresponding response.
Over the span of nearly a decade, Jordan has served in both the Assistant and the Head Baseball Coach roles at Heritage Hall, and throughout his tenure in the program he has bled Charger blue and gold. At first glance, Jordan embodies the prototypical coach; bearded, burly, and seemingly hardened with an aura of soft-spoken intensity. But, it doesn’t take much digging to recognize that he’s a remarkably gentle and caring human being - a big teddy-bear - no doubt due in part to being a Girl Dad to two.
Jordan released the above statement in a recent Facebook post announcing his decision to step down from his position as Head Baseball Coach so that he can spend more time with his daughters during their formative years. His oldest daughter is entering 7th-grade, the year students are first able to adorn HH jerseys and, as representatives of the school, compete in athletics. His youngest daughter just graduated 4th-grade and is thus fast approaching that milestone too. In doing nothing more than simply acquiescing to the flow of time, Jordan’s girls are impaling the pieces of him they hold; he’s immensely proud, yet desperate for more of them, and so he is giving up tremendous forward momentum in his career all so he can attend a few extra softball games, of which there will be hundreds.
To which I say, “play ball!”
There is no Voodoo magic more powerful than a child’s hold on his/her parents. Ultimately, there is no balance - only trade-offs (more on The Balance Fallacy in a future Musings post).
Parents: Take an interest in your kids and their activities; you’ll never regret spending that time, whereas you’ll deeply regret missing it.
Kids: Lean into your parents actively participating in your interests longer than you’re naturally comfortable doing so.
Make the right trade.
Chicken Me
Growing up, I developed a saying at bedtime that turned into somewhat of a ritual. It’s ironic that as an adult I love going to bed early because as a child I always wanted to stay up late. My mom was typically the one who would tuck me in, so after all of the “I love you’s” and “goodnight’s” I would recite the following: Check on me ten times, check on me in a few minutes, and tell dad to check on me right now. (Fun fact: I had some speech issues in my early years, so I pronounced “check on me” as “chicken me.”)
And they would!
I wouldn’t last long most nights, certainly not 10 “chicken me’s”, but I vividly remember my parents indulging this last-ditch effort of mine to avoid going to sleep. Each night, my low-grade annoyance with having an earlier bedtime than everyone else would collide with my parents’ attention and patience, which ultimately lead to an undeniable recognition that I was seen, heard, and loved.
L will be 21yrs in a few months. She’s wildly independent, yet she calls and Facetimes her mother and me ALL OF THE TIME, sometimes to ask for advice but mostly just to say “hello” or tell us something completely random for a laugh. Every now and then, she even calls just to make sure we’re still alive.
And so we’ve come full-circle; the “check-e” ultimately becomes the “check-er.”
Parents: Chicken* your children. They’re starving for more of you, and their feigned annoyance simply means “I love you too.”
Kids: Develop and lean into silly rituals with your parents longer than feels natural. ***If you’re beginning to sense a pattern developing, trust your instincts.
All Lines Are Gradients
Life is full of inconsistencies, paradoxes, and idiosyncratic abnormalities. Consequently, good parenting necessitates nuance; something so complex as sustaining and nurturing a human life requires a tremendous amount of humility and flexibility. Nothing - I repeat, NOTHING - will cause you to rethink a resolute position, mindset, or ideology like your children.
Good parents draw lines; great parents understand that those lines are really gradients.
Parenting is an exercise in monitoring and adjusting. What’s right in one scenario or at one point in time may be completely wrong in another. What’s effective for course correcting one child may be problematic or even detrimental for his/her sibling. Are there best practices for parenting? Sure, with the key words being best and practice. There is no right or wrong, only better or worse, and as everything, everywhere is continually changing and evolving, we’re only ever practicing. Parents don’t have the luxury of absolutes. Sadly, it’s just not that easy.
Zoom out far enough and the messy complexity of the gradient does indeed begin to resemble a nice, neat line. With enough distance, we lose all sense of dimensionality - there’s a reason we call (and charge accordingly) the seats in the very back the cheap seats. From this vantage point, watching a child yell “daddy!” upon seeing him and then rushing to give him a hug is singular in its sweetness. A father stepping down from a job he loves so that he can be more fully present for his daughters is exclusively a beautiful and selfless act on his part with no externalities - a happily ever after if you will. A simple bedtime routine is merely a transaction to get a child to go to sleep.
Such is the view from 30,000ft. Everything appears one way, often rigid and inflexible in its form and orderly in its appearance.
But we know better.
There’s never just one vantage point when it comes to relationship dynamics, especially as it pertains to parents and their children. To be a parent is to embrace disorder, complexity, and multiple, seemingly conflicting ideas simultaneously.
But that’s ok - two things can be true at the same time. That’s the WHOLE truth.